For leaders: If you are a CEO or Founder and you communicate using the language of this system to your team, you will transform your entire company.
Why We Struggle
Introducing The Silent “Blocker” To Things Not Working And
The Invisible But Strangling Cloak Of Self Sabotage
“This guide is a way for us to love one another in our most vulnerable places.
To those brave enough to read, we love you.”-SFZ.
Ladies and gentlemen… it doesn’t matter if you have a 10-million-dollar company or are just starting out.
All of us struggle tremendously with at least one thing.
Yet we present perfection to the world.
But behind hidden doors…
- Maybe the super successful person struggles in relationships.
- Maybe the relationship ninja can’t get business right.
- Maybe the extreme athlete can’t manage finances for crap.
- Maybe the artist who paints like a picasso can’t easily make or hold friends.
Look, we all struggle with something, and nothing is wrong with you. So bring your honesty to this article and let’s delete the struggle right now, because we all deserve to be abundantly successful in every single area.
If you read and apply this guide, you will certainly become more capable, powerful, and free to move forward.
But there is also a great chance reading this will negatively trigger “you,” or the “you” you call yourself now.
That’s because you’re not who you think you are. Even if you think positively of yourself, that’s still not you.
What you are about to read is radically different from nearly every other approach on the topic of self sabotage (and identity) you will see.
Please read with this in mind.
So let’s get right to the point.
Here’s how we believe self sabotage works:
- Self sabotage is created by hidden inner identities “making a lot of stress & noise,” seeming to paralyze us. Identities are thoughts about who we think we are. “I’m not enough,” is a popular one, for example.
- These identities lay hidden in the shadows waiting to be brought forward by a trigger event. But they are always there in the shadows.
- They often get triggered by taking action, thinking of taking an action, or even just looking in the mirror at yourself, naked. (Anything come up for you, there?)
Taking consistent enduring action in a “difficult” area is a topic we will cover in this guide because it eludes so many of us. Taking action is the great trigger for many identities. All is fine in research mode for many, but as soon as action happens, all hell breaks loose.
Let’s use a simple but very common example and then talk about why this approach is radically different.
•••
Here’s Why This Is Radically Different
Let’s say you become very excited about an idea for a business, but as soon as you start taking action you become easily overwhelmed and fall apart.
You begin searching for solutions only to become more hopeless, until you give up and head to the sofa or fridge.
What’s going on there?
It’s very simple. You have inner identities (or characters) that make a bunch of noise fighting against the actions you are taking. But you can’t hear the voices audibly, you are usually a victim to a crippled mind.
Let’s Say You Try To Start A Business.
As soon as you start to do your niche research for a target market, chaos breaks loose within your mind.
Maybe…
- You tell yourself you suck and other people have it easier.
- You start to doubt your abilities.
- You become indecisive.
But none of that is actually true. It’s your identity speaking. Your identity has the microphone and it’s very convincing, like a bad dream you’re stuck in.
In this example of starting a business, you likely have one of the most common identities coming up.
Let’s look at a real example…
This post has a couple of the following two identities buried within it.
- “I need to have the right answer.”
- “I can’t make a mistake.”
And those two identities are usually a reflection of a deeper identity such as…
But this is all happening in the background of your mind, and you can’t break free from what you can’t see unless it’s within your vision.
So that’s it, you take action – an identity such as “I’m a pathetic entrepreneur who can’t fail,” gets triggered, and you last but a single day.
Then a few months go by and you get excited and try to start again.
You begin looking at different niches this time. Maybe you last two or three days and even find a golden magic niche! But before long your success is slighted because the inner identity says “you’re an extremely pathetic and worthless entrepreneur, you can’t fail,” and drags you into the mud.
But even this time you’re starting to get a little smarter. You realize you have “mindset issues” and set out to “fix” them. You go after this identity of “I’m a worthless entrepreneur who can’t fail,” and begin to remove it and clear it once and for all.
So you find a course that promises to help you change your identity.
But therein lies the problem. When you try to fix an identity, you just reinforce that it’s a problem in the first place. It can be like a form of going to war with yourself.
And your identities are not problems. This sentence is a game changer for me. I often think this identity I have is a problem. But it is our resistance to the identities that keep it there.
The secret to releasing an identity, is to be perfectly 100% ok with it, because you realize the most amazing thing in the world about an identity.
And it is this…
Identity is only a thought. But you aren’t usually thinking that when you’re crippled. You usually resist the experience, because you believe it’s more than a thought.
You believe it’s you.
We believe it’s us.
But even the worst thing you think is still only a thought. (Thank God).
And even though that thought screams at you, telling you “this is who you are,” it is not.
It is real (and needs to be acknowledged). But it’s not true.
So once you realize the worst identity is only a thought, you can sit with all thoughts that come up and have 100% intimacy with the “worst” aspects of your mind.
You can sit with an identity for a few minutes and be free with it, and sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes hours, maybe even a week of gently being with it on and off.
Once you see it, give it words, and hold it as a friend, you’ll start to run again.
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But We Must Be Gentle. Without Compassion Or Gentleness, We Have No Leverage With Identity.
The man or woman who is free is not the man who knows what to do with these identities. But the man or woman who is completely ok with any and all thoughts that arise as they are.
When we believe the identity….
When we love the identity (instead of believing it)…
The man or woman who is free is not the man who knows what to do with these identities. But the man or woman who is completely ok with any and all thoughts that arise as they are.
•••
This Is The Freedom We Long For.
Deep Freedom Is Not Deleting Or Changing Thoughts,
It’s Freedom With Our Mind Exactly As It Is Right Now.
And ironically when you allow the most difficult experiences, the mind just calms down.
So here’s the bottom line.
When you take action. Identity is triggered. When you look in the mirror naked, identity is triggered. That is your chance to make friends with that thought (sometimes it hurts a little at first before it gets better).
The problem is, the mind is habituated into thinking these thoughts are who we are. So we have to attune the attention of our mind to realize that while it felt real, it was never true, and it was actually never a problem to be solved in the first place. Just a bad dream to be woken up from.
Just like you don’t have to dissect a dream once you wake up from it, you don’t have to dissect an identity either. It just needs to be wholly woken up from.
You Don’t Undo The Problem By Fixing The Thought, You Undo The Problem By Waking Up From The Identity Altogether.
When the glasses of identity are on…
When the glasses are off…
You can see when the glasses of identity are on, we try and fix the thoughts. But we don’t need to fix the thoughts, we just need to recognize we are wearing glasses and take them off.
So Brian and I have created a little framework to help with this and this is how we do it.
Note: This can be very hard to do alone unless you are fiercely committed to being free.
If you want expert level training, please enroll in our course Making Friends With The Mind. It’s the best money I’ve ever spent on mindset.
The process of recognizing and waking up from an identity takes careful practice. The mind loves to take things personally. We give so much credence to thought, and it is a tragedy. So here is the process we use to gradually free ourselves from identities.
First I just want to remind you and say identities are not problems. They are thoughts to be held once we can see them as thoughts and only thoughts.
Ok?
To gradually free ourselves, we perform the “Identity Dissolving Framework” (IDF) and write down the answer to four questions on what is happening so we can see it in front of us.
- What’s the difficult task?
- What’s the predominant emotion?
- What’s the deeper identity or character?
- How OK am I with this identity being here?
Watch Me Use The Identity Dissolving Framework (IDF)…
With that in mind here is how I used the IDF for a very difficult task that was in front of me.
The important point to note about question 4 is that being OK with the experience is not the same as tolerating it. It’s about fully being OK with it.
This often involves being ok with something we are not OK with.
So I was working on this project to launch the Starters community, and that shit was really hard. It triggered a critical identity. So this is what I did.
My X Step Process To Freeing Myself From Identity
As I was writing the sales letter for the product, I noticed it started to become extremely difficult. That is usually the sign that an identity is triggered. These pesky buggers. (I know I know, they are truly gifts once seen and held in 100% union while being unphased).
So I wrote out this chart. I was so triggered that I could hardly write down the task. So I knew it was difficult. Then I wrote out the feeling. Then I felt into the identity and out came the nastiest thing. Complete worthlessness and feeling ugly.
So no wonder I had trouble creating Starters!
Let’s see the chart.
Hey fellow China Exchange students/teachers! Happy to be here! Would you mind helping me out with an industry question I have? What are some of the core painful problems you deal with that keep you from the things you enjoy either as a teacher abroad or a student abroad?
•••
Step 1: Perform IDF
What’s the difficult task?
What’s the predominant emotion?
What’s the deeper identity or character?
How OK am I with this identity?
Writing the starters program sales letter for a new product
Crippled
Complete worthlessness.
And I am ugly.
30%
What’s the difficult task?
Writing the starters program sales letter for a new product
What’s the predominant emotion?
Crippled.
What’s the deeper identity or character?
Complete worthlessness.
And I am ugly.
How OK am I with this identity?
30%
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Step 2 – Talk To A Friend Vulnerably
As soon as I got clarity on this I started talking with a friend about it. I was open, honest, simple and vulnerable.
The reason I’m able to talk about being afraid is because deep down part of me knows it’s not really me, even though it tries to tell me “I’m a loser” because I’m afraid, I know it ain’t true.
Fear is fear. That’s all.
Because Edwin is trained in this process, he’s able to help me talk about it a little bit. Here’s where we take the convo.
You can see he asked me some questions which really helped me. This is why community is so important with people who are trained. You can see more info about our community here.
•••
Step 3 – Take It To Your Community
After talking with Edwin about this, I stopped feeling like a total piece of garbage for struggling. Then I started to formulate the post for the group, so I can get support from others. Here’s the structure I use for the post to my community.
Here’s the post I used:
Hey guys I wanted you to know when I perform the task of creating the starters community I start to feel paralyzed. This makes me cry just to write. I start to think something is wrong with me. I start to feel complete worthlessness and very ugly. I’m able to be OK with this experience at about a 50% level and am just needing a little encouragement that it’s ok these things are coming up. If anyone has anything nice or encouraging to say I’d really love to hear it.
And this is the template framework you can use to bring an experience like this to the group:
Hey guys I wanted you to know when I perform the task of insert task I start to feel insert feeling. This makes me insert thought or feeling just to write. I start to think insert identity. I start to feel complete insert identity. I’m able to be with this experience at about a X% level and am just needing a little encouragement that it’s ok these things are coming up. If anyone has anything nice or encouraging to say I’d hear it.
The amazing thing is, that just by writing this post for the community, I started to feel a huge release and became ok with it and I never even posted it anywhere.
I was able to work on starters again with no problem, and am now very excited that it’s going to happen. If more identities come up I just notice what they are and focus my attention resting with it until I am 100% ok they are here.
Then I see that I am not those identities, and I am free.
Remember when others share honestly, we do not have to fix them, but offer compassion and appreciation for their honesty. No one has to fix anyone. Let things be as they are, that is what will let these experiences know they are ok. Once we know these experiences are ok, we don’t have to hold onto them anymore.
Lots of coaches are telling you reverse limiting beliefs, or to create a new identity and erase the old ones. While this can be effective, it can encourage us to go to war with our limiting beliefs and feel crappy. That’s why so many people do this thing and then fail, because the teacher says don’t buy into your limiting beliefs. So people try to do that and don’t succeed. They get taken down by the beliefs because they don’t know how to rest with them and talk about them in a community, and then they think there is something wrong with them.
The radical difference is we are not trying to disbelieve or stop limiting thoughts. This approach has nothing to do with trying to prevent limiting thoughts or beliefs.
It’s about learning to meet those thoughts with curiosity and compassion to the point that they no longer seem like they are stopping us and there is nothing to overcome. In the moment that they are completely welcome to be exactly as they are, they no longer seem to be stopping us or limiting us in any way.
Trying not to believe these thoughts or trying to stop these thoughts from happening doesn’t work. This is the critical key. This is what distinguishes this approach from every other approach.
Thoughts are thoughts and they are not us. This insight is what unlocks freedom.
That is how this is radically different from anything else.
Thoughts can be identities. Identity is the story of who you think you are. This is what you must learn to become free. Identities are the story of who you think you are, and it’s not really you.
Write that down.
Instantaneous freedom can come from seeing the identity you have of yourself, your tasks, your world, and people around you.
For example…
Identity of yourself: I have a low chance of success so I think I’m going to fail before I ever start.
Your tasks: They are extremely difficult.
Your world: Is a dangerous and risky place so you can’t reach out to a niche.
People around you: No one wants you to be successful.
These are all literally made up. We see through them as real but not true as a dear friend would tell us they are lies. You are only ever experiencing your own mind, not actual reality.
•••
An Example With My Team As The Leader
I was feeling really stuck with writing sales copy for a new business called ResultJam. I needed some support so I went to my team, knowing if I was open and vulnerable it would create a wonderful culture for us all. I used the Identity Dissolving Framework language to talk with the team about it.
For example, this is what I wrote:
And then look at his wonderful reply. It made me feel so comforted to share my feelings with the team.
From there I felt encouraged to work on the progress. I felt less like something was wrong with me, and was able to work easier and more effectively.
Honesty of my experience written down as words gives me freedom.
Now it’s your turn…
•••
Try This Process On Yourself
Here’s A Link To A One Page Sheet.
Step 1 – Perform The Identity Dissolving Framework (IDF)
What’s the difficult task?
What’s the predominant emotion?
What’s the deeper identity or character?
How OK am I with this identity?
Step 2 – Talk To A Friend About It Using This Language
Hey, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been working on [insert task] and it’s been super scary. I just wanted to tell you because I know you care about me and thought it might be nice to tell someone.
Step 3 – Write A Community Post In A Place You Feel Safe
Hey guys I wanted you to know when I perform the task of insert task I start to feel insert feeling. This makes me insert thoughts or feelings just to write. I start to think insert identity. I start to feel complete insert identity. I’m able to be with this experience at about a X% level and am just needing a little encouragement that it’s ok these things are coming up. If anyone has anything nice or encouraging to say I’d hear it.
Note: You may not even need to post this after writing it.
Get out there and fly my friends. We at Start From Zero love you.
•••
And Remember The Difference…
When we believe the identity….
When we love the identity (instead of believing it)…
That’s When We Have Deep Freedom…
This method is Dane Maxwell’s application of the core Unconditional Wellbeing Framework by Brian Adler (Here’s his FB), who created Making Friends With The Mind. Feel free to reach out to Brian for One on One sessions here or say hi to him on Facebook!
•••
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